Monday, March 2, 2015

Reflections from my wife

The waiting room was the worst part. I was nervous, even though Dr. Bowers had explained the relatively low chance of complications. I'm endlessly grateful for M's suggestion that we ask an old friend to accompany us — well, really to keep me company. She took me out for coffee, and kept me talking about things other than the fact that the man I loved was going under the knife as we sipped our chai. In reality, we were gone for less than two hours. When I came back into the waiting room, I made eye contact with another woman, who I later learned was the partner of the man having surgery directly before M. We still talk to that couple. (There's a whole other discussion to be had about the partners of trans* folks, and trans men in particular, finding community between one another. For any partners reading this, I encourage you to seek out others who have seen partners through similar moments... It helps to talk to someone else who "gets" it.)

Dr. Bowers emerged from the operating room and briefly summarized that everything had gone well, telling me he had done excellently. I was allowed back to see him. He was groggy, and struggling to keep his eyes open, but in a sweet, doped-up kind of way. As the drugs worked their way out of his system, I helped him to the bathroom, and we got a look at his bandaged cock. I'll admit that we were both eager to see the results unwrapped — though that would take a few more days. The nurses helped him into a wheelchair and brought him out to the car I'd pulled around. 

We spent the next couple days holed up in a hotel, with me making runs to grocery stores and Chinese food restaurants. There was a part of me that cherished the quiet, solo drives. Again, for partners caring for men having similar surgeries, I can't stress enough: Make some time to take care of yourself. Whatever that means for you, it will help you be able to be more present and supportive of your partner if you carve out moments for yourself... And anyways, he'll be sleeping a lot the first few days. Why not take a stroll during one of his naps?

The bandages came off after the fourth day, though I think M helped them off a bit more than he was really "supposed" to. He's documented those early days of healing here, so I won't go into great detail. I tend to be kind of fascinated by the human healing process, so I didn't have any trouble looking up, down, and all around his wounds — it was actually really cool to see how his body changed each day — but those who are squeamish should be prepared for some crusty, bloody, oozy wounds. All of those are actually good signs, but I could see how they'd be nerve-wracking. Overall, his recovery was steady, relatively complication-free, and by the time we were ready to fly back home to Southern California, he was up and walking around, if a bit stiffly. I carried our suitcases and fussed over him more than he wanted me to, but it did my heart good to feel like a caretaker, and then to see him get back to his usual self within a couple weeks. 

Now that I think about it, the waiting was the worst part, all-around. From the waiting room to the six to eight weeks we had to abstain from sex, I struggled because, as M has said, I was eager to test out the new equipment. When we finally got the all-clear to fool around, I'll admit that I was timid at first. I was so worried I would hurt him. Needless to say (as the one-year photos prove!) I didn't pull his penis off, so I suppose I eventually figured out what was good and what wasn't. 

M and I have always had quite the spark, but there was certainly a learning curve after the surgery. Navigating that has been an important exercise for both of us (OK, mostly for me) in communicating our desires and what feels good. It was strange to need a sort of "re-introduction" to this person whose body I'd already been loving. But that's what I needed. It became really important for me, personally, to understand the nuances of his new equipment, to learn what I could move around, pull on, stroke, and suck. 

And oh, the sucking. I've always been a fan of giving head, but that's one thing that has distinctly improved since M had his surgery, in my opinion. His cock fills up more space — the perfect amount — in my mouth, and there are few things better in the world than swirling my tongue around the head of his cock and hearing him moan. My head bobs up and down more than it used to, and it's endlessly entertaining to hold him in my mouth, draw my head back, and see how far I can stretch his cock. But without a doubt, my favorite part is the fact that I can get such excellent access to his head now. Before surgery, he would certainly get hard, and I could focus on the head, but after, I'm able to pull back the foreskin to reveal the head in its totality, swirling my tongue around the tip, sucking on it, all while peeking up at him from between his legs. Sometimes, I get a little too fixated on the head, and he lets me know I'm over-stimulating him... But I can't help myself. It's just such a gorgeous cock, and feels so delicious in my mouth. 

Oh, and another fun detail? His cock now dances for me. Seriously. He can control the muscles, and pump it up and down. And when I'm doing a particularly good job, I can see it pulsate when he comes. It's an incredibly validating sign of approval. A thumbs-up, if you will.

Dr. Bowers had speculated that he'd be able to penetrate me post-surgery, but we haven't managed to find a position that works for us to do that yet. I'm convinced it's possible, but I think M is less certain. I think it just means I need to contort myself in the right way, or pull my legs high enough above my head, so he can slide into me. As it is, I have definitely felt him brushing up against me, and there is something so absurdly sexy about knowing his cock is right there, basically teasing me. I usually don't last long before pulling him down into me. 

Both of us have always used our hands to penetrate one another, and that hasn't changed. I was definitely more cautious about any rough fucking during the first several months after surgery, but by this point, everything has healed so well that I can fuck him every bit as hard as he asks me to. 

All in all, going through this experience has brought us closer, and because I met M post-transition, this felt like an important moment for me to accompany him through. I don't think it has fundamentally changed our sex life, but any shifts I've seen have been in a positive direction. Selfishly, I love the affirmation of seeing him get hard, and seeing his face as he proudly waves his dick at me, whether that's in bed, in the shower, or, well, anywhere else. Mostly, I'm glad to see him feel more comfortable with his body — from where I sit, he's closer to seeing himself as the handsome, whole, endlessly sexy man that I've seen him as since we exchanged nervous glances across a hotel room years ago.

Friday, February 27, 2015

1 year post-op! + new dick pics

Today is my 1 year post-op anniversary! It's exciting to think that all of the pain, money, and recovery time were worth it to get the awesome cock I have today. I don't have too many updates related to recovery, because all of the active healing was finished by about the 6 month post-op mark.

Lately, I've just been enjoying getting to use my "new toy" - which is totally how I think of my cock. I've been to a few gay bathhouses, fucked around with some guys, and continued to have great sex with my wife (we're poly and in an open relationship). It's especially affirming and ego-boosting when gay guys say that my penis is sexy. I love those compliments! It's been great to walk around naked in the locker room at the gym without worrying what others will think. If anything, folks probably just think I have a tiny dick, and I'm OK with that because it's the truth!

My wife, S., is going to write a guest blog for me soon about her perspective on my lower surgery. She plans to write about what it was like to go through this step in my journey with me, taking care of me post-op, and what sex is like for us now. If you have any specific questions or curiosities from a partner's perspective, please post them in the comments section, and I'll ask her to address them in her post!

Here are a few current pictures to show you what a fully healed simple meta looks like! Enjoy.

View from front, standing


Sitting, spread


Pulling back skin to show incision line


Pulling back foreskin to show glans/head


Pulling back foreskin to show glans/head, from my perspective



My cock in its natural state


Another angle

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Haters be hatin' - but they won't win

Today I worked up the courage to post a few entries with very personal updates about my healing and my sex life (see below). And I say courage because there have been some occurrences lately that have me questioning humanity...

I was feeling pretty shitty about the fact that about a month ago, someone posted a screenshot of my not-yet-healed genitals on another website (which will remain nameless), with a tasteless and offensive caption. Over a hundred people proceeded to comment fucked up things about my genitals. While I tried not to let it get to me, I'll admit that I was pissed off, hurt, offended, and a whole slew of other emotions. I've dealt with my fair share of haters, but seeing anonymous comments about MY BODY felt... well... awful.

I'm not naive - I expected something like this to happen at some point. I keep this blog public because I believe in education, and I want other trans folks like myself to have open access to information that might be useful to them. I'm happy to share my experiences with others who will truly find it helpful, I just wish there was a way I could keep the haters away. I have also received a few inappropriate comments on my blog, which is exactly why I moderate every comment before it gets posted. You won't see any of those hateful comments because this is my blog and it's a hopeful space - not a negative one.

I'm trying to remind myself that putting myself out on the internet in this vulnerable way is a good idea. This blog has been picked up by a German FTM message board. People have found this blog through google searches in France, Australia, Germany, Canada, England, Brazil, and the United States. A website I love, www.metoidioplasty.net, has listed my blog under Resources > Personal Websites, Journals & Blogs (http://www.metoidioplasty.net/resources/). All of this leads me to believe that there are many people who are hungry for first-hand accounts of FTM genital surgery. Right?

When I was researching simple meta about a year ago, it was extremely difficult to find factually accurate information, and I felt endlessly frustrated by the lack of visibility and openness that exists within our community. Even the private Yahoo groups I joined for transmen considering lower surgery had very few photos or first-hand accounts of simple meta.

I appreciate everyone who has posted comments and questions on my blog. It feels awesome to know that someone is reading my ramblings, and that it's even a little bit useful to someone out there. It's so much easier not to talk about my surgery - but a big piece of me is like "Hey, this is exciting stuff! I'm happy with my results and proud to show off my pictures, so fuck it!" The fight for visibility, education, and inclusion continues - but my voice is not one that will be silenced.

Words of encouragement and support are appreciated.

Healing updates - 3 months post-op!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted, so I apologize to those of you who have been vigilantly checking in. I started a new job on April 1st and have been traveling a lot, so I've been very busy! Anyway, this post is long overdue - so thanks for your patience.

Since it's been 2 months since my last post, I'll try to recount my healing during this time. Overall, everything is feeling normal and healed completely. There have been no further complications or challenges. I've enjoyed touching and playing with my dick as much as possible! I'm a bit of a typical dude lately, in that I stick my hands down my pants when watching TV, just enjoying the feeling of my cock in my hands. Sensation is wonderful, especially sensitive on the tip. I've been delighted by the fact that I have a glans and foreskin, which means that I pull it back to wash any smelly head cheese every time I shower (it doesn't really get smelly on a day-to-day basis, by the way - it was pretty foul the first time I washed about a week after surgery though).

In past posts, I wrote about how sitting was uncomfortable. It started feeling easier to sit for longer periods of time at about the 6 week mark. I still don't enjoy wearing tight jeans because it squishes my junk and doesn't feel great, but it's definitely not painful anymore.

Below are some photos I took after trimming my pubes a bit, which makes it easier to get a good view. Enjoy!

Manscaped for the best view possible! Lying down, 3 months post-op.

Another view lying down, 3 months post-op

Lying down, from the side, legs spread, 3 months post-op

Stitches ended up healing just fine, despite my worries! 3 months post-op

Standing view from front, 3 months post-op

Another standing view, 3 months post-op

Standing, from the side, 3 months post-op

My free-standing dick! Flaccid, from the side, 3 months post-op

Sex post-simple metoidioplasty

Many folks seem to have questions about what sex is like after a simple metoidioplasty, and I'm here to tell you -- it is awesome!

While I've never been a penis-obsessed kind of guy, it is pretty damn fulfilling to finally feel like I have the bits to match my internal sense of myself. Granted, my two inches of manhood might not be as glorious as all of the images we are inundated with about masculinity, manhood, having a nice/big package, etc. For me, having lower surgery was never about achieving any of those standards. My standards for myself are the following: to see a true reflection of myself when I stand in front of the mirror naked (check); to reduce the disconnect I felt between my brain, my heart, and my genitals (check); to continue to be a sexually liberated, unashamed person (check); to give my partner something nice to suck on (check!); to preserve my ability to conceive and carry a baby in the future (check).

Now that I've clarified why I had simple meta, let me explain how sex feels different now, and how it feels the same. I'll go into some detail here, and hopefully that will be helpful for someone out there.

Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is different than before. Having the skin on the underside of my penis freed from the inner labia feels right. I get erections that can stand up fully without skin from the inner labia holding it down. I no longer have an inner labia, and this feels right and good. Oral sex feels different, though I don't have the words to explain how quite yet. When I masturbate, my dick feels farther away from my front hole than it did before, so some of the stroking is a little more complex logistically - but trust me, this has not stopped me from jerking off frequently!

Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is the same as before. I've always like penetration - both anal and front hole, and I still do. I appreciate a good fucking, and it's never been dysphoria-inducing for me. Being a transman getting fucked by a hand/dick/dildo/whatever in any orifice is gender-fucking at its finest. I love this about my sex life! My orgasms are about the same as they were before surgery - when I get off, it usually feels "internal," though my dick gets harder and I feel my orgasms in my cock more than I did before (don't know how else to explain this). I still want as much stimulation as possible - stroking my dick and being penetrated is the magic combo.

If anyone has specific questions, ask away! I'll do my best to answer.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Healing updates - 1 month post-op!

I've officially passed the one month post-op mark, hooray! I haven't noticed any significant differences in the past week or so, but the photos below show improved healing of the stitches, with the part that was busted open almost completely healed up now. I've stopped using neosporin, mostly because it was messy and didn't seem necessary. Sitting is much more comfortable, though I'm still getting used to having to move my junk around in my pants to get it to "lay" comfortably. It is pretty exciting to walk and feel my package jostle around a bit though! I tried running while playing with my dogs the other day, which felt weird but not painful - the skin is still really tender so I think things were just rubbing a bit harshly in my jeans. Can't wait til the 6 week mark (only 2 weeks away!) when I get to have sex again - both my partner and I have been getting antsy to try out the new parts ;)

Wow, pubic hair grows back fast! (30 days post-op)

30 days post-op, lying down

30 days post-op, lying down with legs spread

Looking sooo much better, even since last week (30 days post-op)

You can barely see the line of stitches now, but there's about 4-5 inches of sutures from tip of my dick to the V opening (30 days post-op)

Glorious! (*disclaimer: this surgery did wonders for my gender/genital dysphoria, hence the big ego) - 30 days post-op

Standing view, 30 days post-op

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Healing updates - 2-3 weeks post-op

I'm 3 weeks post-op today! Everything has continued to heal well in the past week. True to Dr. Nicole's word, I've noticed significant improvement in the healing of the sutures, though there was some random bleeding a few days ago. As you can see in the below photos, some of the white stitches are visible at the more internal spot that's been finicky about healing. I've been feeling pretty good, getting lots of rest and trying not to overdo it. Sitting is still uncomfortable, but I can tolerate it for longer. I've continued to apply neosporin once a day, right after taking a shower.

21 days post-op - happy pink dick!

21 days post-op, white stitches visible

21 days post-op, noticed significant improvements in the past week