Today I worked up the courage to post a few entries with very personal updates about my healing and my sex life (see below). And I say courage because there have been some occurrences lately that have me questioning humanity...
I was feeling pretty shitty about the fact that about a month ago, someone posted a screenshot of my not-yet-healed genitals on another website (which will remain nameless), with a tasteless and offensive caption. Over a hundred people proceeded to comment fucked up things about my genitals. While I tried not to let it get to me, I'll admit that I was pissed off, hurt, offended, and a whole slew of other emotions. I've dealt with my fair share of haters, but seeing anonymous comments about MY BODY felt... well... awful.
I'm not naive - I expected something like this to happen at some point. I keep this blog public because I believe in education, and I want other trans folks like myself to have open access to information that might be useful to them. I'm happy to share my experiences with others who will truly find it helpful, I just wish there was a way I could keep the haters away. I have also received a few inappropriate comments on my blog, which is exactly why I moderate every comment before it gets posted. You won't see any of those hateful comments because this is my blog and it's a hopeful space - not a negative one.
I'm trying to remind myself that putting myself out on the internet in this vulnerable way is a good idea. This blog has been picked up by a German FTM message board. People have found this blog through google searches in France, Australia, Germany, Canada, England, Brazil, and the United States. A website I love, www.metoidioplasty.net, has listed my blog under Resources > Personal Websites, Journals & Blogs (http://www.metoidioplasty.net/resources/). All of this leads me to believe that there are many people who are hungry for first-hand accounts of FTM genital surgery. Right?
When I was researching simple meta about a year ago, it was extremely difficult to find factually accurate information, and I felt endlessly frustrated by the lack of visibility and openness that exists within our community. Even the private Yahoo groups I joined for transmen considering lower surgery had very few photos or first-hand accounts of simple meta.
I appreciate everyone who has posted comments and questions on my blog. It feels awesome to know that someone is reading my ramblings, and that it's even a little bit useful to someone out there. It's so much easier not to talk about my surgery - but a big piece of me is like "Hey, this is exciting stuff! I'm happy with my results and proud to show off my pictures, so fuck it!" The fight for visibility, education, and inclusion continues - but my voice is not one that will be silenced.
Words of encouragement and support are appreciated.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Healing updates - 3 months post-op!
I know it's been awhile since I've posted, so I apologize to those of you who have been vigilantly checking in. I started a new job on April 1st and have been traveling a lot, so I've been very busy! Anyway, this post is long overdue - so thanks for your patience.
Since it's been 2 months since my last post, I'll try to recount my healing during this time. Overall, everything is feeling normal and healed completely. There have been no further complications or challenges. I've enjoyed touching and playing with my dick as much as possible! I'm a bit of a typical dude lately, in that I stick my hands down my pants when watching TV, just enjoying the feeling of my cock in my hands. Sensation is wonderful, especially sensitive on the tip. I've been delighted by the fact that I have a glans and foreskin, which means that I pull it back to wash any smelly head cheese every time I shower (it doesn't really get smelly on a day-to-day basis, by the way - it was pretty foul the first time I washed about a week after surgery though).
In past posts, I wrote about how sitting was uncomfortable. It started feeling easier to sit for longer periods of time at about the 6 week mark. I still don't enjoy wearing tight jeans because it squishes my junk and doesn't feel great, but it's definitely not painful anymore.
Below are some photos I took after trimming my pubes a bit, which makes it easier to get a good view. Enjoy!
Since it's been 2 months since my last post, I'll try to recount my healing during this time. Overall, everything is feeling normal and healed completely. There have been no further complications or challenges. I've enjoyed touching and playing with my dick as much as possible! I'm a bit of a typical dude lately, in that I stick my hands down my pants when watching TV, just enjoying the feeling of my cock in my hands. Sensation is wonderful, especially sensitive on the tip. I've been delighted by the fact that I have a glans and foreskin, which means that I pull it back to wash any smelly head cheese every time I shower (it doesn't really get smelly on a day-to-day basis, by the way - it was pretty foul the first time I washed about a week after surgery though).
In past posts, I wrote about how sitting was uncomfortable. It started feeling easier to sit for longer periods of time at about the 6 week mark. I still don't enjoy wearing tight jeans because it squishes my junk and doesn't feel great, but it's definitely not painful anymore.
Below are some photos I took after trimming my pubes a bit, which makes it easier to get a good view. Enjoy!
Manscaped for the best view possible! Lying down, 3 months post-op.
Another view lying down, 3 months post-op
Lying down, from the side, legs spread, 3 months post-op
Stitches ended up healing just fine, despite my worries! 3 months post-op
Standing view from front, 3 months post-op
Another standing view, 3 months post-op
Standing, from the side, 3 months post-op
My free-standing dick! Flaccid, from the side, 3 months post-op
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty
Many folks seem to have questions about what sex is like after a simple metoidioplasty, and I'm here to tell you -- it is awesome!
While I've never been a penis-obsessed kind of guy, it is pretty damn fulfilling to finally feel like I have the bits to match my internal sense of myself. Granted, my two inches of manhood might not be as glorious as all of the images we are inundated with about masculinity, manhood, having a nice/big package, etc. For me, having lower surgery was never about achieving any of those standards. My standards for myself are the following: to see a true reflection of myself when I stand in front of the mirror naked (check); to reduce the disconnect I felt between my brain, my heart, and my genitals (check); to continue to be a sexually liberated, unashamed person (check); to give my partner something nice to suck on (check!); to preserve my ability to conceive and carry a baby in the future (check).
Now that I've clarified why I had simple meta, let me explain how sex feels different now, and how it feels the same. I'll go into some detail here, and hopefully that will be helpful for someone out there.
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is different than before. Having the skin on the underside of my penis freed from the inner labia feels right. I get erections that can stand up fully without skin from the inner labia holding it down. I no longer have an inner labia, and this feels right and good. Oral sex feels different, though I don't have the words to explain how quite yet. When I masturbate, my dick feels farther away from my front hole than it did before, so some of the stroking is a little more complex logistically - but trust me, this has not stopped me from jerking off frequently!
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is the same as before. I've always like penetration - both anal and front hole, and I still do. I appreciate a good fucking, and it's never been dysphoria-inducing for me. Being a transman getting fucked by a hand/dick/dildo/whatever in any orifice is gender-fucking at its finest. I love this about my sex life! My orgasms are about the same as they were before surgery - when I get off, it usually feels "internal," though my dick gets harder and I feel my orgasms in my cock more than I did before (don't know how else to explain this). I still want as much stimulation as possible - stroking my dick and being penetrated is the magic combo.
If anyone has specific questions, ask away! I'll do my best to answer.
While I've never been a penis-obsessed kind of guy, it is pretty damn fulfilling to finally feel like I have the bits to match my internal sense of myself. Granted, my two inches of manhood might not be as glorious as all of the images we are inundated with about masculinity, manhood, having a nice/big package, etc. For me, having lower surgery was never about achieving any of those standards. My standards for myself are the following: to see a true reflection of myself when I stand in front of the mirror naked (check); to reduce the disconnect I felt between my brain, my heart, and my genitals (check); to continue to be a sexually liberated, unashamed person (check); to give my partner something nice to suck on (check!); to preserve my ability to conceive and carry a baby in the future (check).
Now that I've clarified why I had simple meta, let me explain how sex feels different now, and how it feels the same. I'll go into some detail here, and hopefully that will be helpful for someone out there.
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is different than before. Having the skin on the underside of my penis freed from the inner labia feels right. I get erections that can stand up fully without skin from the inner labia holding it down. I no longer have an inner labia, and this feels right and good. Oral sex feels different, though I don't have the words to explain how quite yet. When I masturbate, my dick feels farther away from my front hole than it did before, so some of the stroking is a little more complex logistically - but trust me, this has not stopped me from jerking off frequently!
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is the same as before. I've always like penetration - both anal and front hole, and I still do. I appreciate a good fucking, and it's never been dysphoria-inducing for me. Being a transman getting fucked by a hand/dick/dildo/whatever in any orifice is gender-fucking at its finest. I love this about my sex life! My orgasms are about the same as they were before surgery - when I get off, it usually feels "internal," though my dick gets harder and I feel my orgasms in my cock more than I did before (don't know how else to explain this). I still want as much stimulation as possible - stroking my dick and being penetrated is the magic combo.
If anyone has specific questions, ask away! I'll do my best to answer.
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