Sunday, June 1, 2014

Haters be hatin' - but they won't win

Today I worked up the courage to post a few entries with very personal updates about my healing and my sex life (see below). And I say courage because there have been some occurrences lately that have me questioning humanity...

I was feeling pretty shitty about the fact that about a month ago, someone posted a screenshot of my not-yet-healed genitals on another website (which will remain nameless), with a tasteless and offensive caption. Over a hundred people proceeded to comment fucked up things about my genitals. While I tried not to let it get to me, I'll admit that I was pissed off, hurt, offended, and a whole slew of other emotions. I've dealt with my fair share of haters, but seeing anonymous comments about MY BODY felt... well... awful.

I'm not naive - I expected something like this to happen at some point. I keep this blog public because I believe in education, and I want other trans folks like myself to have open access to information that might be useful to them. I'm happy to share my experiences with others who will truly find it helpful, I just wish there was a way I could keep the haters away. I have also received a few inappropriate comments on my blog, which is exactly why I moderate every comment before it gets posted. You won't see any of those hateful comments because this is my blog and it's a hopeful space - not a negative one.

I'm trying to remind myself that putting myself out on the internet in this vulnerable way is a good idea. This blog has been picked up by a German FTM message board. People have found this blog through google searches in France, Australia, Germany, Canada, England, Brazil, and the United States. A website I love, www.metoidioplasty.net, has listed my blog under Resources > Personal Websites, Journals & Blogs (http://www.metoidioplasty.net/resources/). All of this leads me to believe that there are many people who are hungry for first-hand accounts of FTM genital surgery. Right?

When I was researching simple meta about a year ago, it was extremely difficult to find factually accurate information, and I felt endlessly frustrated by the lack of visibility and openness that exists within our community. Even the private Yahoo groups I joined for transmen considering lower surgery had very few photos or first-hand accounts of simple meta.

I appreciate everyone who has posted comments and questions on my blog. It feels awesome to know that someone is reading my ramblings, and that it's even a little bit useful to someone out there. It's so much easier not to talk about my surgery - but a big piece of me is like "Hey, this is exciting stuff! I'm happy with my results and proud to show off my pictures, so fuck it!" The fight for visibility, education, and inclusion continues - but my voice is not one that will be silenced.

Words of encouragement and support are appreciated.

26 comments:

  1. Be strong man !!! We're here for you :D

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  2. Your blog is the first resource that has made me feel that lower surgery might be an option for me. THANK YOU so much for sharing: I know you are facing adversity and negativity to share results with other guys. VERY APPRECIATED.

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  3. Thanks for the support, guys! Much appreciated. Glad to hear that it's useful and helps others know that simple meta is a solid option for lower surgery.

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  4. Hi, Meta Man, I'm new to your blog but have worked in the LGBT movement for decades. I just want to tell you that I totally understand what it feels like to have people criticize you randomly, thoughtlessly, and anonymously. It can be so unkind and has definitely caused me to wonder from time to time if it's worth it and why I bother. In the long run, it always is, and when I see how far we've come I'm so proud of the accomplishments and of my tiny role in making that happen. Which is to say, hang in there--your voice is so important and your blog is such an important resource for so many people.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your blog. I think this is really good information you're putting out there. Just wanted to let you know that your blog is appreciated.

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  6. I want to say how grateful I am for all the details and pictures! This took a lot of courage for you to put yourself so openly out there for others to share in your experience and I thank you so much! In all my years of research I have found more answers in your blog than anywhere I have looked! I adore Dr. Bowers and her team and was extra excited that she is who you went with for surgery! Thank you for all you have shared and congratulations! I am so happy for you!

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  7. If I could, I would give you a tremendous hug full of gratitude!
    I thank you deeply for sharing this with the internet, I had never seen photos and read a testimony about the kind of surgery I have sometimes thought I'd want for myself. I share some points with you as in being 25-ish year old, not having serious bottom dysphoria and not wanting a surgery that could compromise my ability to carry a child. After seeing this, I'm sure this is what I have had in my mind all this time and I didn't know if it'd look as I imagined; seeing that transmale junk can look just the way I'd like mine to look makes me even want to cry a bit. Even I'm extremely far from being able to save for this surgery, it works to set myself a long-term plan.
    Again, thank you VERY much.
    And it may sound a bit strange to read this from a total stranger, but I must say that yours is one of the most beautiful penises I have seen in my entire life.
    I wish you a lot of light and blessings in your life journey.

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    1. It doesn't sound weird at all coming from a stranger! Compliments like that are awesome. It's feedback like this that makes me thrilled to have taken the risk to put my story out there for others to learn from. I wish you well in your journey. Let me know if there's any support I can offer!

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  8. Hello.
    First, I apologize to coment this now, when it's have been posted in june.
    But I'm really dismayed to read this. you are a very altruistic guy to give this testimony and pictures. But Internet ( and the world) if full of idiotic and ignorant people. I'm not trans but I like transguys since I've met one, and I can tell you that you shouldn't feel any shame. Believe me, You' ve got a beautiful junk and a beautiful body and I'm sure that these people can't say the same. 'Cause they may have cisgenreded bodies, but if it was a criterion of beauty, we would know it. :)
    So stay strong, buddy ! ( And enjoy your new toy^^)

    Rayan

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    1. Wow, thanks for your thoughtful comment! :-)

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  9. Thank you for your blog and posts!
    Don't allow what the shallow minded people post on the internet get you down. I'm sure you are helping a great amount of people by sharing your experience and helping those who are transitioning better understand what to expect and those like me who are not transgender to better understand what you're going through.
    So again, thank you got giving me the opportunity to better understand the process of your transitioning. It has been a great read.

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  10. Hey metaman! Its sooo cool that you posted those pix coz all the research i had done already where blaaa u know? Or outdated and not really what i wanted to know about this procedure. Ok now its looks really great gotta tell ya. My dickclit grew since i've been on t and get erect when stimulated with forplay and super sensitive during oral sex at the point that i have to take breaks coz it gets too intense.i found this technique that when im about to come (i squirt a fuckin lot) i squeeze my legs real tight and it actualy squirts at the tip of my dickclit wich is an amazing feeling.i havent done it with my girlfriend yet but i told her about it and she's very exited and cant wait to see that in action.the operations are all paid for over here by the gouvernment isnt this awesome??? But i dont like the way the surgeon does it coz i wouldnt want to loose my "squirting skills" lol closing the vaginal opening would make it impossible.where the hell all that juice comes from??? This is a mystery they've searched it but they havent resolve the enigma lol if they could replug that juice so it could actually shoot by the urethra that would be nirvana.but now the meta that dr brassard performs here in montreal im not quite sure yet.and the implants arent a must i dont have that penis envy at the point i'd get a phallo but meta seems an amazing option.thanks for having this blog goin and tx for the post op pictures its helping me now to make my decision because my last operation is comin up soon so i have to decide wheter i get phallo or meta.so keep up the blog it helps building a trans community united and the fuckers who cant deal with the reality of human beings born "different" well they can suck my fuckin dickclit and take a walk on the wild side.have a great day cheers.dean aka deedeedragon

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  11. Thanks for being brave and posting your results. You have helped me decide to move forward with Dr. Bowers. I will get the simple meta and I hope to be able to afford the testicles, too. Haters just hate. That's what they do. It is always about them, never about you.

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  12. I am so impressed with your results that it has helped me solve my dilemma: I could not decide among Bowers, Crane or Meltzer for my meta. I am definitely going to go with Bowers. I think the simple release with testicular implants will work for me.
    Don't let the haters get you down. Their hate is really about them, not you. I'd like to hear more about your experience with Bowers. AdamTreyRobinson@gmail.com

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    1. Hi Adam, what questions do you have? I'm happy to answer them here, or I can email you from my private email address if you'd prefer. Your questions might be helpful to others, so I'd encourage you to post them here if you're comfortable. Glad to hear that you've decided on Dr. Bowers! Do you have a surgery date set?

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  13. Dear Meta-Man, I would like to thank you for the work, research, time, and courage you have devoted creating this blog about your journey towards happiness. I must confess that I am an old surgeon (MD) that was raised in a very structured, tight if not rigid rural community in the North-Eastern USA. I treated every one as per my oath as a physician but I did have very opinionated morals (so I thought) until I found that my youngest daughter was facing a similar dilemma that you must have faced most of your life. I was completely caught by surprise and after years of therapy (for her) and me getting informed on her issues, after seeing her horrible struggle with herself, her family, the community, etc, I came to realize that her genes had created a nightmare for the "Apple of my Eye".
    She is a well educated (wo)man, a Master in Science, an all-out athlete, and still my "baby".
    Your site, illustrated with very personal pictures of your surgery, coupled with your immense courage to expose who you are in a very cruel world, reassured me that I can understand the predicament that my "daughter" is suffering through.
    (S)he cried in my arms and told me that for the first time in her life, she could reveal herself to her father.
    Thank you again for your bravery, your courage, and your desire to help other people resolving such personal and intimate issues. Please keep on posting periodically, letting the community know about your continuing journey. With all my respect & admiration, Ciao, L (a reassured father)

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    1. L -
      Wow, how incredible to hear from a parent! I'm grateful that you commented and shared your family's story. Your son is lucky to have a father who loves him exactly as he is.
      Best of luck in your continuing journey to love and support your transgender child.

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  14. Thank you for finally posting about bottom surgery without vaginectomy/scrotoplasty. As some of the other comments have said, this seems like something I might do one day now.

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  15. Count Argentina in that list. Greetings from as south as South America goes.

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  16. I have struggled with intense dysphoria my entire life and spent my teenage years in deep denial about myself. When I finally allowed myself to consider the fact that I was trans, I started to do research and came across all sorts of resources. The truth is, I was scared of and disappointed in the surgeries I'd seen for FTMs. Your blog has given me hope. Sometimes, when I feel like I'm never going to be happy with my body, I'll reread your posts. I just want to say thank you for having the courage to share your story. You have turned dick pics into something brave and honorable.

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  17. thank you so much ! this helped me a lot. its important that there are pics out there!

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  18. I'm so sorry to hear about the way your photos have been used. Truly, the worst side of the internet, and you didn't deserve to have to cope with other people being awful about your body. Your blog and your willingness to share pictures has helped me figure out the surgery I needed. I had your blog bookmarked and would look at your pictures every few weeks trying to imagine myself looking like you. Five weeks ago I went through metoidioplasty and reading your blog helped me so much through recovery and through navigating the best surgical choices for me. I am so grateful for you putting yourself out there, I wouldn't have had visuals to reassure me, or the courage to go through the horrors of surgery without knowing I could look normal and awesome on the other side. I'm so happy with my results, and I hope the positive impact you have had on other trans men outweighs the negativity you have had to bear. Thank you for sharing.

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  19. Just so you know, in 2022 your blog is still reaching people and being helpful! I have appreciated the fact that you have put yourself out there in this vulnerable way. It has given me a lot of good things to think about..

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