(Less than) 12 hours 'til surgery! - Pre-op appointment updates + pre-op photos

Today I arrived in San Mateo with my partner, and we went to my pre-op appointment with Dr. Bowers. There were two doctors shadowing Dr. Bowers - apparently they are training under her. I was a bit surprised by this, but I'm all for educating others so I agreed to them being in the room for the talking part and the pantsless part.

Dr. Bowers started by asking me why I want simple metoidioplasty. I reminded her of our phone conversation a few months ago, when we discussed my desire to carry babies and how I don't want any surgery that will compromise that. She remembered our conversation, and reassured me again that she won't make the front hole any smaller. I also talked about wanting this surgery to alleviate dysphoria.

She bragged a bit about this surgery exceeding most of her patients' expectations; she's done about 150 simple meta surgeries over the years. She developed the technique and apparently her style for doing the surgery is unlike any other doctor. One thing I appreciated about Dr. Bowers' bedside manner is that she put me at ease by being personable and having a sense of humor. She also consistently referred to my junk as a "phallus," which is a much more accurate term than "clitoris." Sure, I used to have what would medically be called a clitoris, but testosterone has grown that little fucker into a 2-inch cock. God bless hormones!

The doctors left the room and I undressed - when they came back, I had 3 surgeons looking at my junk. It was quite the ego stroke to hear them say that I've had good growth on T, and that my results will be favorable. She described what they'll do while I'm under anesthesia tomorrow: release the clitoral chordee underneath my cock, cut and release the inner labia, and "bulk up" the freed penis by wrapping the inner labia around my penis (or T-enhanced clitoris). Basically I will have a small penis that is free from my body and higher up than it is now, getting rid of the inner labia that holds it in and down now.

We also talked about my interest in potentially having urethral lengthening somewhere down the road after pregnancy. Dr. Bowers said that it will likely be possible to do this later on, but that they would have to open up my new dick from underneath and make a urethra. Apparently she is working with the Serbia team to advance new technology and make this a reality. Someday, I might consider it - right now, the complication rate with any lower surgery that involves messing with the urethra is just not worth the risk for me.

And now, a few pre-op photos for your viewing pleasure:

THESE IMAGES ARE MY PERSONAL PROPERTY. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS BLOG'S OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, flaccid from front

Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, flaccid from side

Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, Erect!

Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, erect from front

Pre-op, 3.5 years on T, flaccid while standing - about 2 inches long

36 hours 'til surgery!

This sense of calm has overtaken me today, and I feel ready to head to San Mateo and excited for the next few days. I spent today mentally preparing and enjoying some alone time, which included a thorough cleaning of my house. Call me weird, but I really enjoy the feeling of a clean living space, and I wanted to leave it nice for the friends who will be watching our pets while we're away.

A friend gave me some great advice today - forget about work, forget about the stressors that have been inundating my life lately, and focus on myself. This moment is about my own transformation, mentally and physically, and my friend suggested that I do anything and everything necessary to go into surgery with a clear mind. I'm taking her advice to heart.

Tomorrow my partner and I fly to San Mateo in the morning. My pre-op appointment is at 4pm, then we're having dinner with a friend/mentor who I haven't seen in several years. It will be nice to reconnect, and hopefully she will have suggestions of low-key things to do while we're in town. I have several acquaintances who live in the Bay area, but I haven't yet decided whether I'll reach out to them. I have a feeling that I won't be up for company during my short 4-day stay there, so I'll just play it by ear. It's also a strange thing to explain to people - "hey, I'm in town having some work done on my penis, wanna hang out?"

I plan to write another post tomorrow evening, and will try to take some pre-op photos. Not sure yet whether I'll post them now or later - could be a fun comparison once I'm healed. But then again, dick pics are always fun ;)

6 days 'til surgery! - gratitude for my partner

Today I got a confirmation call from Dr. Bowers' office in San Mateo. I'm all set for my 4pm pre-op appointment on Feb. 26th, and surgery is scheduled for 9:30am on Feb. 27th. I'm getting eager and anxious to head North and get this show on the road!

I'm grateful that my partner is excited about this with me. Today she texted me to say, "The fact that I get to be there with you when this awesome thing happens is thrilling, and I'm excited to see the results. I'm eager to take this next step on your journey with you." It's pretty incredible to be emotionally supported by the person who knows and sees me best. She's been supportive every step of the way, and I know that she'll make recovery as painless as possible just by being by my side. I really have no worries about everything that is to come, because I know we're in it together.

S. and I met about a year after I'd had top surgery and started T, so this is really the first big transition-related step she'll see me through. She's fiercely protective and has advocated for me in medical settings in the past. A few years ago, I was in the hospital for a blood infection and it was a scary time. The doctors were not in the least trans-competent, and she took them to task for it. I'm generally quite comfortable standing up for myself and calling people out for the messed up transphobic things they say, but when I'm sick or not at my best, the last thing I want to do is deal with that kind of thing. I don't have any worries about Dr. Bowers' staff, but it's comforting just to know that if anything negative were to happen, S. would have my back. The word "partner" truly describes who S. is to me - my partner in life and love, my ally, my best friend.

OK, enough with the mushy stuff... Just gotta express how grateful I am to be with this awesome person :)

10 days 'til surgery! - facts and feeeeelings

I'm starting to get nervous and excited! Work has been so stressful and exhausting lately, I'll be glad to to get a break from it all - though recovering from surgery doesn't sound nearly as fun as taking a vacation to a tropical place. But hey, a break will be still be nice!

On February 26th, my partner and I will fly to San Mateo, CA. I have a pre-op appointment with Dr. Marci Bowers that evening, where she'll go over all of the details and I can ask any questions. I spoke with Dr. Bowers once on the phone a few months back, when I asked a lot of questions about the way she does simple meta and clarified that she won't mess with my vaginal opening. It was a top concern for me, since I like having sex with that hole, and I will need it in a few years for conceiving and popping out da babies! Anyway, Dr. Bowers was fantastic at reassuring me about everything, and I'm excited to meet her in person soon.

My surgery is scheduled for February 27th at San Mateo Surgery Center. It's an outpatient procedure and should only take a few hours. We'll be staying in San Mateo for 4 days total, then I'll go home and take a few weeks off work to recuperate.

At the moment, I'm feeling optimistic about surgery. It's hard to imagine what things will feel like post-op... Will I actually gain some length? Girth? Will my sensitivity change? Will I be able to penetrate my partner? Will masturbating feel different? My surgeon can't answer any of these questions, since every body is different. I hope to gain noticeable length and girth. I hope that sensitivity will be either the same or better than it is now. I'd love to be able to penetrate my partner when erect, but I'm not gonna bank on that. I've heard from other guys that you have to re-learn how to jerk off post-op - guess I'll have to do lots of practicing ;)

Intro and Background

I'm starting this blog to keep track of my internal evolution throughout the process of having a simple metoidioplasty. I haven't kept a journal in years, but I'm hoping that typing out some of my thoughts and feelings in the coming months will be a healthy outlet.

I also hope that this blog will be a resource for other folks considering simple metoidioplasty (aka simple meta). I plan to write detailed accounts of what I go through, with the hope that it will be helpful for others. There's a serious lack of firsthand information about simple meta, which was frustrating for me as I was researching my options. This blog is one way of holding myself accountable and practicing what I preach about being an out trans man - which for me, includes a personal commitment to sharing my experiences with others.

First off, some background info about my story... I'm a 25 year old trans man, and I identify as queer. I had top surgery and started testosterone in 2010. When I first started my transition, I went through a liberation phase of sorts - had a lot of sex, surrounded myself with queer-positive, body-positive folks, and just generally enjoyed being in a body that looked and felt so much more aligned with who I am internally. 99% of the time, my junk feels OK to me - and all of my sexual partners (past and present) have had nothing but positive reviews. I'm all about being empowered around having a trans body, and I take great joy in the changes my body has gone through on T. Getting hairier, having a more masculine build, and growing a nice little dick are all changes I've embraced.

Having any type of lower surgery wasn't a priority for me until about a year ago. It's only been recently that I considered it a possibility for a few reasons:

1. I'd never had dysphoria about my junk until recently-ish. In my evolution as a trans man, getting rid of my breasts, going through the changes associated with T, and dealing with life have taken up all of my energy. Worrying about what's in my pants didn't take up much space in my mind or heart because there were bigger things to deal with. Now that my body has settled into a balanced place with 3.5 years on T and a flat, manly chest, I want to address the incongruence I feel with my sexy little cock. To be clear: I like my junk as it is. To me, having a simple meta is just taking what's already there and making it even more awesome.

2. Cost. I'm lucky enough to have health insurance. However, none of my previous health insurance providers covered trans-related anything. In the past 6 months, I've been working at an organization that has a trans-inclusive health insurance policy, meaning my surgery will be covered 100%. At this point in time, it's pretty rare for that to happen. (I hope that I can look back at this blog a few years from now and say that things have changed significantly.) So, I'm using this opportunity to get my needs met.

3. I've always wanted babies. I plan to carry babies, since I have the organs and the body and the willpower to do so. My partner has known this since we started dating, and we've talked at length about the challenges and joys that will inevitably come with me being a pregnant trans man - and subsequently, a dad. We're getting married in August 2014 and we're still a few years off from starting a family, but I look forward to every part of that experience. Many of the options for lower surgery make it difficult or impossible to conceive, carry, and go through labor and delivery. Having a simple meta preserves my ability to have babies in the future, which makes me a happy camper!

Another important factor in my decision to have lower surgery is where I'm situated in life right now. I recently moved to California, where my partner and I have a stable, happy life. Having the emotional and physical support to go through surgery will make the experience that much more successful and smooth. I wouldn't consider going through something like this without the love, trust, and care of my intimate partner.