Today I worked up the courage to post a few entries with very personal updates about my healing and my sex life (see below). And I say courage because there have been some occurrences lately that have me questioning humanity...
I was feeling pretty shitty about the fact that about a month ago, someone posted a screenshot of my not-yet-healed genitals on another website (which will remain nameless), with a tasteless and offensive caption. Over a hundred people proceeded to comment fucked up things about my genitals. While I tried not to let it get to me, I'll admit that I was pissed off, hurt, offended, and a whole slew of other emotions. I've dealt with my fair share of haters, but seeing anonymous comments about MY BODY felt... well... awful.
I'm not naive - I expected something like this to happen at some point. I keep this blog public because I believe in education, and I want other trans folks like myself to have open access to information that might be useful to them. I'm happy to share my experiences with others who will truly find it helpful, I just wish there was a way I could keep the haters away. I have also received a few inappropriate comments on my blog, which is exactly why I moderate every comment before it gets posted. You won't see any of those hateful comments because this is my blog and it's a hopeful space - not a negative one.
I'm trying to remind myself that putting myself out on the internet in this vulnerable way is a good idea. This blog has been picked up by a German FTM message board. People have found this blog through google searches in France, Australia, Germany, Canada, England, Brazil, and the United States. A website I love, www.metoidioplasty.net, has listed my blog under Resources > Personal Websites, Journals & Blogs (http://www.metoidioplasty.net/resources/). All of this leads me to believe that there are many people who are hungry for first-hand accounts of FTM genital surgery. Right?
When I was researching simple meta about a year ago, it was extremely difficult to find factually accurate information, and I felt endlessly frustrated by the lack of visibility and openness that exists within our community. Even the private Yahoo groups I joined for transmen considering lower surgery had very few photos or first-hand accounts of simple meta.
I appreciate everyone who has posted comments and questions on my blog. It feels awesome to know that someone is reading my ramblings, and that it's even a little bit useful to someone out there. It's so much easier not to talk about my surgery - but a big piece of me is like "Hey, this is exciting stuff! I'm happy with my results and proud to show off my pictures, so fuck it!" The fight for visibility, education, and inclusion continues - but my voice is not one that will be silenced.
Words of encouragement and support are appreciated.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Healing updates - 3 months post-op!
I know it's been awhile since I've posted, so I apologize to those of you who have been vigilantly checking in. I started a new job on April 1st and have been traveling a lot, so I've been very busy! Anyway, this post is long overdue - so thanks for your patience.
Since it's been 2 months since my last post, I'll try to recount my healing during this time. Overall, everything is feeling normal and healed completely. There have been no further complications or challenges. I've enjoyed touching and playing with my dick as much as possible! I'm a bit of a typical dude lately, in that I stick my hands down my pants when watching TV, just enjoying the feeling of my cock in my hands. Sensation is wonderful, especially sensitive on the tip. I've been delighted by the fact that I have a glans and foreskin, which means that I pull it back to wash any smelly head cheese every time I shower (it doesn't really get smelly on a day-to-day basis, by the way - it was pretty foul the first time I washed about a week after surgery though).
In past posts, I wrote about how sitting was uncomfortable. It started feeling easier to sit for longer periods of time at about the 6 week mark. I still don't enjoy wearing tight jeans because it squishes my junk and doesn't feel great, but it's definitely not painful anymore.
Below are some photos I took after trimming my pubes a bit, which makes it easier to get a good view. Enjoy!
Since it's been 2 months since my last post, I'll try to recount my healing during this time. Overall, everything is feeling normal and healed completely. There have been no further complications or challenges. I've enjoyed touching and playing with my dick as much as possible! I'm a bit of a typical dude lately, in that I stick my hands down my pants when watching TV, just enjoying the feeling of my cock in my hands. Sensation is wonderful, especially sensitive on the tip. I've been delighted by the fact that I have a glans and foreskin, which means that I pull it back to wash any smelly head cheese every time I shower (it doesn't really get smelly on a day-to-day basis, by the way - it was pretty foul the first time I washed about a week after surgery though).
In past posts, I wrote about how sitting was uncomfortable. It started feeling easier to sit for longer periods of time at about the 6 week mark. I still don't enjoy wearing tight jeans because it squishes my junk and doesn't feel great, but it's definitely not painful anymore.
Below are some photos I took after trimming my pubes a bit, which makes it easier to get a good view. Enjoy!
Manscaped for the best view possible! Lying down, 3 months post-op.
Another view lying down, 3 months post-op
Lying down, from the side, legs spread, 3 months post-op
Stitches ended up healing just fine, despite my worries! 3 months post-op
Standing view from front, 3 months post-op
Another standing view, 3 months post-op
Standing, from the side, 3 months post-op
My free-standing dick! Flaccid, from the side, 3 months post-op
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty
Many folks seem to have questions about what sex is like after a simple metoidioplasty, and I'm here to tell you -- it is awesome!
While I've never been a penis-obsessed kind of guy, it is pretty damn fulfilling to finally feel like I have the bits to match my internal sense of myself. Granted, my two inches of manhood might not be as glorious as all of the images we are inundated with about masculinity, manhood, having a nice/big package, etc. For me, having lower surgery was never about achieving any of those standards. My standards for myself are the following: to see a true reflection of myself when I stand in front of the mirror naked (check); to reduce the disconnect I felt between my brain, my heart, and my genitals (check); to continue to be a sexually liberated, unashamed person (check); to give my partner something nice to suck on (check!); to preserve my ability to conceive and carry a baby in the future (check).
Now that I've clarified why I had simple meta, let me explain how sex feels different now, and how it feels the same. I'll go into some detail here, and hopefully that will be helpful for someone out there.
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is different than before. Having the skin on the underside of my penis freed from the inner labia feels right. I get erections that can stand up fully without skin from the inner labia holding it down. I no longer have an inner labia, and this feels right and good. Oral sex feels different, though I don't have the words to explain how quite yet. When I masturbate, my dick feels farther away from my front hole than it did before, so some of the stroking is a little more complex logistically - but trust me, this has not stopped me from jerking off frequently!
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is the same as before. I've always like penetration - both anal and front hole, and I still do. I appreciate a good fucking, and it's never been dysphoria-inducing for me. Being a transman getting fucked by a hand/dick/dildo/whatever in any orifice is gender-fucking at its finest. I love this about my sex life! My orgasms are about the same as they were before surgery - when I get off, it usually feels "internal," though my dick gets harder and I feel my orgasms in my cock more than I did before (don't know how else to explain this). I still want as much stimulation as possible - stroking my dick and being penetrated is the magic combo.
If anyone has specific questions, ask away! I'll do my best to answer.
While I've never been a penis-obsessed kind of guy, it is pretty damn fulfilling to finally feel like I have the bits to match my internal sense of myself. Granted, my two inches of manhood might not be as glorious as all of the images we are inundated with about masculinity, manhood, having a nice/big package, etc. For me, having lower surgery was never about achieving any of those standards. My standards for myself are the following: to see a true reflection of myself when I stand in front of the mirror naked (check); to reduce the disconnect I felt between my brain, my heart, and my genitals (check); to continue to be a sexually liberated, unashamed person (check); to give my partner something nice to suck on (check!); to preserve my ability to conceive and carry a baby in the future (check).
Now that I've clarified why I had simple meta, let me explain how sex feels different now, and how it feels the same. I'll go into some detail here, and hopefully that will be helpful for someone out there.
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is different than before. Having the skin on the underside of my penis freed from the inner labia feels right. I get erections that can stand up fully without skin from the inner labia holding it down. I no longer have an inner labia, and this feels right and good. Oral sex feels different, though I don't have the words to explain how quite yet. When I masturbate, my dick feels farther away from my front hole than it did before, so some of the stroking is a little more complex logistically - but trust me, this has not stopped me from jerking off frequently!
Sex post-simple metoidioplasty is the same as before. I've always like penetration - both anal and front hole, and I still do. I appreciate a good fucking, and it's never been dysphoria-inducing for me. Being a transman getting fucked by a hand/dick/dildo/whatever in any orifice is gender-fucking at its finest. I love this about my sex life! My orgasms are about the same as they were before surgery - when I get off, it usually feels "internal," though my dick gets harder and I feel my orgasms in my cock more than I did before (don't know how else to explain this). I still want as much stimulation as possible - stroking my dick and being penetrated is the magic combo.
If anyone has specific questions, ask away! I'll do my best to answer.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Healing updates - 1 month post-op!
I've officially passed the one month post-op mark, hooray! I haven't noticed any significant differences in the past week or so, but the photos below show improved healing of the stitches, with the part that was busted open almost completely healed up now. I've stopped using neosporin, mostly because it was messy and didn't seem necessary. Sitting is much more comfortable, though I'm still getting used to having to move my junk around in my pants to get it to "lay" comfortably. It is pretty exciting to walk and feel my package jostle around a bit though! I tried running while playing with my dogs the other day, which felt weird but not painful - the skin is still really tender so I think things were just rubbing a bit harshly in my jeans. Can't wait til the 6 week mark (only 2 weeks away!) when I get to have sex again - both my partner and I have been getting antsy to try out the new parts ;)
Wow, pubic hair grows back fast! (30 days post-op)
30 days post-op, lying down
30 days post-op, lying down with legs spread
Looking sooo much better, even since last week (30 days post-op)
You can barely see the line of stitches now, but there's about 4-5 inches of sutures from tip of my dick to the V opening (30 days post-op)
Glorious! (*disclaimer: this surgery did wonders for my gender/genital dysphoria, hence the big ego) - 30 days post-op
Standing view, 30 days post-op
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Healing updates - 2-3 weeks post-op
I'm 3 weeks post-op today! Everything has continued to heal well in the past week. True to Dr. Nicole's word, I've noticed significant improvement in the healing of the sutures, though there was some random bleeding a few days ago. As you can see in the below photos, some of the white stitches are visible at the more internal spot that's been finicky about healing. I've been feeling pretty good, getting lots of rest and trying not to overdo it. Sitting is still uncomfortable, but I can tolerate it for longer. I've continued to apply neosporin once a day, right after taking a shower.
21 days post-op - happy pink dick!
21 days post-op, white stitches visible
21 days post-op, noticed significant improvements in the past week
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
8 Myths About Transgender Men's Genital Reconstructions
I ran across this article a few days ago, and found it to be insightful, honest, and factual. Take a look here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mitch-kellaway/8-myths-about-transgender-mens-genital-reconstructions_b_4510196.html?utm_hp_ref=tw
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mitch-kellaway/8-myths-about-transgender-mens-genital-reconstructions_b_4510196.html?utm_hp_ref=tw
People, places, and penises - My reviews of things
This is an odd title for a post, but I like alliteration and this post is all about the people I met, the places I saw, and the penis I gained from my recent trip to San Mateo, CA.
PEOPLE...
Most obviously, I'd like to offer up my two cents about my surgeon, Dr. Marci Bowers. I found her to be extremely confident, competent, and friendly. However, she also had an unfortunate habit of not answering questions directly. For example, when my partner asked if Dr. Bowers would come out to the waiting room and update her on how my surgery went immediately afterwards, Dr. Bowers answered instead by talking about the recovery room and how S. wouldn't be allowed back right away. Fine, but that didn't answer S.'s question. (Luckily, Dr. Bowers did speak with S. in the waiting room and assuaged her nerves.) I attribute this lack of directness to Dr. Bowers' big brain and the fact that she is a great surgeon, if not an excellent communicator. I'm just grateful to have had a competent surgeon who consistently affirmed me, my identity, my relationship, and my body parts. She always called my penis a "phallus," never referring to that body part as a clitoris - a small word choice that meant a lot to me.
One other unexpected and valuable person in my experience of having surgery was Dr. Julie Nicole. Dr. Nicole is an OB/GYN who has been practicing alongside Dr. Bowers for several years now. Though I did not know she even existed prior to my pre-op appointment the day before surgery, Dr. Nicole has turned out to be a tremendous resource and an excellent doctor. She did not operate on me, only observed during my surgery. However, she has been my main point of contact for recovery-related questions. She came to my hotel the day after surgery for a follow-up visit, and I have text messaged and called her on the phone on several occasions in the past few weeks. Dr. Nicole has reminded me that healing takes time, and has answered any and all questions I've had along the way. The way she said it, "once a patient, always a patient," and encouraged me to save her cell phone number in case I ever need anything years down the road. She cited an example of a transman who lived in Wyoming calling her in the middle of the night from the ER, in need of a trans-competent doctor - apparently she talked with the ER doc over the phone to make a treatment plan, simultaneously educating a physician who had never treated a trans patient while providing comfort to her former patient. I've got nothing but great reviews of Dr. Nicole, and she's got a great sense of humor to top it off!
I also met another wonderful person during my visit to San Mateo, but this guy was in the same boat I was! Freshly out of anesthesia in the recovery room, the nurse wheeled another patient out the back door, but he stopped briefly to say "congrats, man." We exchanged a few words, though I can't remember what exactly was said... A few moments later, the nurse came back and gave me a piece of paper, a strange tone in her voice explaining that the other patient asked her to give this to me... "M." had written his name, phone number, and a brief note on a slip of paper. Sure enough, I texted M. a few hours later once I was back at the hotel, and we discovered that we had both had simple metoidioplasty - his surgery happened immediately before mine. What a welcome surprise! Throughout the months leading up to my surgery, I'd had trouble finding anyone in-person or over the internet who had had simple meta with Dr. Bowers or even folks who were considering it. I felt blessed and grateful that M. reached out, and it turns out that he's a great friend. We hung out a few days later, and realized just how much we have in common. We've leaned on each other for support in the past few weeks, texting about our healing concerns and swapping "dick pics." I certainly hope that we'll stay in touch in the years to come, building camaraderie in our shared experiences.
PLACES...
I didn't see much of the San Mateo area, besides the hotel we stayed at. So, I'll offer up my review of the hotel and a few of the other establishments we visited.
S. and I stayed at Bay Landing Hotel in Burlingame, which was located about 15 minutes by car from the surgery center and less than 5 minutes from SFO airport. I found a groupon for the hotel, which cost $160/night (including tax) for 4 nights for a "bay-view king room." It had a king bed, microwave, mini-fridge, all of the standard amenities, and a view of the San Francisco Bay. While the decor was a little stuffy for our taste, everything else about the hotel was fantastic. It was located right on the bay, with a nice little walking trail, close to the 101 highway. We enjoyed an abundance of food options every morning from the included breakfast. The bed was comfortable, the room was spacious, and the hotel was quiet. Seeing that I needed a lot of rest and relaxation, this was the perfect space to recover in for a few days.
We only ate out a few times, opting instead for fresh food from the grocery store and hoarding free breakfast food from the hotel. We ate at Elephant Bar, located next door to the hotel, once. It was your standard chain restaurant food, with cool decor and a view of the bay. We also ate at Magdaluna Mexican Cafe in downtown Burlingame - delicious!, and at Pancho Villa Taqueria in San Mateo - also delicious!
Another service I'd highly recommend to anyone traveling to San Mateo or the Bay area in general is Relay Rides. It's a car rental service that allows you to rent a car from a private owner. You can choose from a variety of cars of different prices, and it's cheaper than any of the chain car rental places. We had a great experience renting a blue 1997 BMW Z3 - a fun, fast little convertible that I only wish we could have taken out for a spin more often! It was raining the whole time we visited, so there were very few convertible-appropriate moments.
PENISES...
Or penis (singular), I guess I should say. The most validating and affirming part of the trip to San Mateo was getting my new and improved penis. While no skin grafts or major shape-shifting were integral to my simple meta, the internal sense of wholeness I've felt since surgery is incredible. I'll be writing a more in-depth post later down the road about my reflections on altering my body in this way, but for now let me just say: WOW. Dr. Bowers was right when she said that most of her patients' expectations are exceeded. I am incredibly pleased with my results, with how my dick looks and feels and with how validating it is to look in the mirror and feel content.
PEOPLE...
Most obviously, I'd like to offer up my two cents about my surgeon, Dr. Marci Bowers. I found her to be extremely confident, competent, and friendly. However, she also had an unfortunate habit of not answering questions directly. For example, when my partner asked if Dr. Bowers would come out to the waiting room and update her on how my surgery went immediately afterwards, Dr. Bowers answered instead by talking about the recovery room and how S. wouldn't be allowed back right away. Fine, but that didn't answer S.'s question. (Luckily, Dr. Bowers did speak with S. in the waiting room and assuaged her nerves.) I attribute this lack of directness to Dr. Bowers' big brain and the fact that she is a great surgeon, if not an excellent communicator. I'm just grateful to have had a competent surgeon who consistently affirmed me, my identity, my relationship, and my body parts. She always called my penis a "phallus," never referring to that body part as a clitoris - a small word choice that meant a lot to me.
One other unexpected and valuable person in my experience of having surgery was Dr. Julie Nicole. Dr. Nicole is an OB/GYN who has been practicing alongside Dr. Bowers for several years now. Though I did not know she even existed prior to my pre-op appointment the day before surgery, Dr. Nicole has turned out to be a tremendous resource and an excellent doctor. She did not operate on me, only observed during my surgery. However, she has been my main point of contact for recovery-related questions. She came to my hotel the day after surgery for a follow-up visit, and I have text messaged and called her on the phone on several occasions in the past few weeks. Dr. Nicole has reminded me that healing takes time, and has answered any and all questions I've had along the way. The way she said it, "once a patient, always a patient," and encouraged me to save her cell phone number in case I ever need anything years down the road. She cited an example of a transman who lived in Wyoming calling her in the middle of the night from the ER, in need of a trans-competent doctor - apparently she talked with the ER doc over the phone to make a treatment plan, simultaneously educating a physician who had never treated a trans patient while providing comfort to her former patient. I've got nothing but great reviews of Dr. Nicole, and she's got a great sense of humor to top it off!
I also met another wonderful person during my visit to San Mateo, but this guy was in the same boat I was! Freshly out of anesthesia in the recovery room, the nurse wheeled another patient out the back door, but he stopped briefly to say "congrats, man." We exchanged a few words, though I can't remember what exactly was said... A few moments later, the nurse came back and gave me a piece of paper, a strange tone in her voice explaining that the other patient asked her to give this to me... "M." had written his name, phone number, and a brief note on a slip of paper. Sure enough, I texted M. a few hours later once I was back at the hotel, and we discovered that we had both had simple metoidioplasty - his surgery happened immediately before mine. What a welcome surprise! Throughout the months leading up to my surgery, I'd had trouble finding anyone in-person or over the internet who had had simple meta with Dr. Bowers or even folks who were considering it. I felt blessed and grateful that M. reached out, and it turns out that he's a great friend. We hung out a few days later, and realized just how much we have in common. We've leaned on each other for support in the past few weeks, texting about our healing concerns and swapping "dick pics." I certainly hope that we'll stay in touch in the years to come, building camaraderie in our shared experiences.
PLACES...
I didn't see much of the San Mateo area, besides the hotel we stayed at. So, I'll offer up my review of the hotel and a few of the other establishments we visited.
S. and I stayed at Bay Landing Hotel in Burlingame, which was located about 15 minutes by car from the surgery center and less than 5 minutes from SFO airport. I found a groupon for the hotel, which cost $160/night (including tax) for 4 nights for a "bay-view king room." It had a king bed, microwave, mini-fridge, all of the standard amenities, and a view of the San Francisco Bay. While the decor was a little stuffy for our taste, everything else about the hotel was fantastic. It was located right on the bay, with a nice little walking trail, close to the 101 highway. We enjoyed an abundance of food options every morning from the included breakfast. The bed was comfortable, the room was spacious, and the hotel was quiet. Seeing that I needed a lot of rest and relaxation, this was the perfect space to recover in for a few days.
We only ate out a few times, opting instead for fresh food from the grocery store and hoarding free breakfast food from the hotel. We ate at Elephant Bar, located next door to the hotel, once. It was your standard chain restaurant food, with cool decor and a view of the bay. We also ate at Magdaluna Mexican Cafe in downtown Burlingame - delicious!, and at Pancho Villa Taqueria in San Mateo - also delicious!
Another service I'd highly recommend to anyone traveling to San Mateo or the Bay area in general is Relay Rides. It's a car rental service that allows you to rent a car from a private owner. You can choose from a variety of cars of different prices, and it's cheaper than any of the chain car rental places. We had a great experience renting a blue 1997 BMW Z3 - a fun, fast little convertible that I only wish we could have taken out for a spin more often! It was raining the whole time we visited, so there were very few convertible-appropriate moments.
PENISES...
Or penis (singular), I guess I should say. The most validating and affirming part of the trip to San Mateo was getting my new and improved penis. While no skin grafts or major shape-shifting were integral to my simple meta, the internal sense of wholeness I've felt since surgery is incredible. I'll be writing a more in-depth post later down the road about my reflections on altering my body in this way, but for now let me just say: WOW. Dr. Bowers was right when she said that most of her patients' expectations are exceeded. I am incredibly pleased with my results, with how my dick looks and feels and with how validating it is to look in the mirror and feel content.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Healing updates - 1-2 weeks post-op
The past week has been a bit of a healing rollercoaster. My beautifully perfect line of stitches between the base of my penis and the vaginal opening has transformed into an oozing mess, but my doctor reassures me that it's normal. There are three layers of stitches, and at least one layer (the outermost) has popped open in a few locations.
Having all the time in the world and freaking out about every little thing has been frustrating and stressful for me, so I've been doing a lot of research on wound healing - knowledge is power! Normally, surgical wounds heal through primary intention - this is when skin is brought together by sutures and the edges fuse together over time. This is what my body was attempting to do, until those stitches came undone for whatever reason. Now there is a combination of primary and secondary intention healing happening. Secondary intention healing is when the wound heals from the inside out, with new tissue filling in and granulating. This type of healing takes a little bit longer and frankly, looks really disgusting.
THE GOOD PART: Looking at my junk when I'm sitting or standing, everything looks fine - my cock is beautiful and wonderful and everything I could have hoped for. The stitches on the underside of my dick are looking great, the head is healing perfectly, and the swelling has gone down significantly. The bruising is entirely gone, I've stopped icing, and I don't need any kind of pain meds anymore...
THE NOT-SO-GOOD PART: ...But then when I spread my legs, it's a different story. The sutures between the base of my penis and the vaginal opening are where all of the problems lie right now. I'll let the pictures below speak for themselves. I know that "everything will be alright in the end," but when I really look up-close at what's going on, I freak out a little. My doctor says to give it time, that healing by secondary intention is actually quite successful. She says that in a week or two, things will look very different. Apparently, the best thing to do is nothing. Well, I'm not very good at doing nothing. But I take deep breaths, bide my time, keep applying neosporin a few times a day, and try not to poke around down there.
Having all the time in the world and freaking out about every little thing has been frustrating and stressful for me, so I've been doing a lot of research on wound healing - knowledge is power! Normally, surgical wounds heal through primary intention - this is when skin is brought together by sutures and the edges fuse together over time. This is what my body was attempting to do, until those stitches came undone for whatever reason. Now there is a combination of primary and secondary intention healing happening. Secondary intention healing is when the wound heals from the inside out, with new tissue filling in and granulating. This type of healing takes a little bit longer and frankly, looks really disgusting.
THE GOOD PART: Looking at my junk when I'm sitting or standing, everything looks fine - my cock is beautiful and wonderful and everything I could have hoped for. The stitches on the underside of my dick are looking great, the head is healing perfectly, and the swelling has gone down significantly. The bruising is entirely gone, I've stopped icing, and I don't need any kind of pain meds anymore...
13 days post-op, standing view
13 days post-op, a different standing view
13 days post-op, side view
13 days post-op, side view with mons pulled back
13 days post-op, foreskin pulled back showing head
THE NOT-SO-GOOD PART: ...But then when I spread my legs, it's a different story. The sutures between the base of my penis and the vaginal opening are where all of the problems lie right now. I'll let the pictures below speak for themselves. I know that "everything will be alright in the end," but when I really look up-close at what's going on, I freak out a little. My doctor says to give it time, that healing by secondary intention is actually quite successful. She says that in a week or two, things will look very different. Apparently, the best thing to do is nothing. Well, I'm not very good at doing nothing. But I take deep breaths, bide my time, keep applying neosporin a few times a day, and try not to poke around down there.
13 days post-op, deflated nut sack (I kinda liked it better when it was swollen, LOL)
13 days post-op, secondary intention healing in a few places (shiny looking because of the ointment)
13 days post-op - Underside of dick is looking good!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Healing updates - 7 days post-op
7 days after surgery, Thursday 3/6/14
-Stopped taking Vicodin, switched to ibuprofen
-Felt some pinching and pulling of stitches, likely due to less heavy drugs
-Stitches feel very sensitive and uncomfortable
-The rubbing of my head on my underwear feels highly uncomfortable
-Continued icing, though only a few times throughout the day
-Stopped taking Vicodin, switched to ibuprofen
-Felt some pinching and pulling of stitches, likely due to less heavy drugs
-Stitches feel very sensitive and uncomfortable
-The rubbing of my head on my underwear feels highly uncomfortable
-Continued icing, though only a few times throughout the day
Still a bit purpley and bruised, but healing up nicely
Wrinkly nut sack! No scroto or implants though
Captions are fun
Stitches
My view!
So much bigger and better than pre-op!
Healing updates - 5 and 6 days post-op
5 & 6 days after surgery, Tuesday and Wednesday 3/4 - 3/5/14
-Highly aware of stitches - just felt sensitive and tender
-Started applying neosporin to stitches
-Still icing as much as possible
-Noticed reduced swelling of balls
-Bruising on balls continued to darken
-Minor bleeding from stitches
-Penis seemed to get more swollen after removing bandages
-Highly aware of stitches - just felt sensitive and tender
-Started applying neosporin to stitches
-Still icing as much as possible
-Noticed reduced swelling of balls
-Bruising on balls continued to darken
-Minor bleeding from stitches
-Penis seemed to get more swollen after removing bandages
OK, so it's not really a bulge... but at least there's something there!
Just poking my head out to say HELLO!
Healing updates - 4 days post-op
4 days after surgery, Monday 3/3/14
-Rested a lot after traveling
-Iced throughout the day
-Took Vicodin less often, about every 6 hours
-Removed the vaseline gauze bandages!
-Rested a lot after traveling
-Iced throughout the day
-Took Vicodin less often, about every 6 hours
-Removed the vaseline gauze bandages!
Ta-da!!!!
Stitches on the underside of my penis
Healing updates - 3 days post-op
3 days after surgery, Sunday 3/2/14
-Woke up early and checked out of the hotel
-Traveled home, 1.5 hour flight
-Sitting on the airplane was uncomfortable but not painful
-Very tired after traveling, slept like a baby in my own bed
-Iced as much as possible while traveling, but it is awkward to have ice in one's pants while in public!
-Still took Vicodin regularly
-Woke up early and checked out of the hotel
-Traveled home, 1.5 hour flight
-Sitting on the airplane was uncomfortable but not painful
-Very tired after traveling, slept like a baby in my own bed
-Iced as much as possible while traveling, but it is awkward to have ice in one's pants while in public!
-Still took Vicodin regularly
Darker bruising, but swelling has gone down a lot
Side view, look how much it stands up!
The other side
Stitches are very tender!
Healing updates - 2 days post-op
2 days after surgery, Saturday 3/1/14
-Rested a LOT, think I overdid it yesterday with all of the excitement!
-Went for a 1/2 mile walk along the Bay in the morning
-Still took Vicodin regularly
-Went to the pharmacy for some milk of magnesia because I was constipated from the narcotics; also bought an inflatable donut cushion and a gel ice pack
-Digestion issues made me have a poor appetite and I was uncomfortable throughout the day
-Went for a short drive in the convertible we rented
-Iced throughout the day
-No photos from today :(
-Rested a LOT, think I overdid it yesterday with all of the excitement!
-Went for a 1/2 mile walk along the Bay in the morning
-Still took Vicodin regularly
-Went to the pharmacy for some milk of magnesia because I was constipated from the narcotics; also bought an inflatable donut cushion and a gel ice pack
-Digestion issues made me have a poor appetite and I was uncomfortable throughout the day
-Went for a short drive in the convertible we rented
-Iced throughout the day
-No photos from today :(
Healing updates - 1 day post-op
1 day after surgery, Friday 2/28/14
-Took Vicodin regularly, every 4 hours
-Very alert and awake throughout the day, due to the 9am phone call I received with an OFFICIAL JOB OFFER!!!
-Had a migraine in the morning and vomited. Got it under control with migraine meds, fluids, and more rest.
-Got many supportive calls and texts from friends throughout the day
-Noticed more swelling than yesterday
-Noticed some bruising on the labia majora (I call it the testicles, though I didn't get scrotoplasty or implants)
-Iced throughout the day and night
-Took a shower, and it didn't hurt at all! Didn't clean my penis or the stitches, just splashed some water down there.
-Dr. Julie Nicole came by my hotel to check on me, said everything looked good
-Went out to dinner to celebrate the job offer, sitting was uncomfortable
-Went to visit a friend, sitting was tolerable for a little while then became very uncomfortable
-Had trouble sleeping through the night
-Took Vicodin regularly, every 4 hours
-Very alert and awake throughout the day, due to the 9am phone call I received with an OFFICIAL JOB OFFER!!!
-Had a migraine in the morning and vomited. Got it under control with migraine meds, fluids, and more rest.
-Got many supportive calls and texts from friends throughout the day
-Noticed more swelling than yesterday
-Noticed some bruising on the labia majora (I call it the testicles, though I didn't get scrotoplasty or implants)
-Iced throughout the day and night
-Took a shower, and it didn't hurt at all! Didn't clean my penis or the stitches, just splashed some water down there.
-Dr. Julie Nicole came by my hotel to check on me, said everything looked good
-Went out to dinner to celebrate the job offer, sitting was uncomfortable
-Went to visit a friend, sitting was tolerable for a little while then became very uncomfortable
-Had trouble sleeping through the night
All cleaned up after a shower, bruising on my right nut
I'm ready for my close up! Pretty swollen, but at least my dick casts a shadow now ;)
Healing updates from day of surgery
Healing has been a day-by-day journey. I will try to recount highlight and challenges from each day.
Day of surgery, Thursday 2/27/14
-Pain was manageable with Vicodin
-Took a nap after coming home from the hospital
-Had trouble sleeping through the night
-Very tender and moderately swollen
-Iced throughout the day and night
-Lying in bed flat or with a bunch of pillows propping me up was the most comfortable
-Ate mac and cheese for dinner and stayed hydrated with water and gatorade
-Below are a few pics of what things looked like right after coming back to the hotel. (As you can see, they did a terrible manscaping/shaving job once I was under anesthesia.)
Day of surgery, Thursday 2/27/14
-Pain was manageable with Vicodin
-Took a nap after coming home from the hospital
-Had trouble sleeping through the night
-Very tender and moderately swollen
-Iced throughout the day and night
-Lying in bed flat or with a bunch of pillows propping me up was the most comfortable
-Ate mac and cheese for dinner and stayed hydrated with water and gatorade
-Below are a few pics of what things looked like right after coming back to the hotel. (As you can see, they did a terrible manscaping/shaving job once I was under anesthesia.)
One week post-op: Reflections on surgery day
I've been busy doing absolutely nothing, so I have zero excuses for not posting sooner! My surgery went VERY well and I'm extremely thrilled with the results so far. For the sake of not writing one giant long post about everything that's happened in the past 7 days, I'm going to break things up into themes and write separate posts. This post will be about my reflections of the day of surgery.
I had simple meta with Dr. Bowers on Thursday, February 27, 2014 at San Mateo Surgery Center. I arrived at the surgery center at 8:30am, where a rude and short-tempered receptionist had me sign a bunch of forms that I already signed and questioned me about my insurance coverage. Luckily things got sorted out quickly, and a nurse brought me back to the pre-op/recovery area. It was a small room with three beds, separated by curtains. The nurse had me change into a gown, booties, and a hat. She started the IV and then I waited for maybe 30-45 minutes. Luckily they let my fiancee come back, so she kept me company and we took some silly pictures. Dr. Bowers and Dr. Nicole came by, and then the anesthesiologist (can't remember her name) came and asked me about drug allergies and told me what to expect. She explained that they will give a sedative via IV, pain meds, then propofol (general anesthesia). She also explained what to expect post-op in the recovery room- they would wake me up, ask about my pain, and give additional pain meds if needed.
I walked into the operating room and climbed onto the operating table. I remember the nurses strapping my arms down, and the anesthesiologist giving me the sedative. The last thing I remember is asking why there was only one stirrup for my legs. They explained that the other one was under the table. In my head I was thinking, "I hope you put both of those things up, you need a good view of my junk!" At this point I felt very comfortable and relaxed, and then I must have drifted off because the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and the nurse asked me to rate my pain - it was a 6 on a scale of 1-10. They gave me more pain meds via my IV. I was very aware of a throbbing pain between my legs and I had a sore throat from being intubated. At this point S. came back to the recovery room and apparently I was blinking a lot trying to keep my eyes open. It was SO hard to stay awake! But I knew from top surgery that they would want me to wake up and try to drink some water and communicate about my pain. I think it was about 30 minutes before I could get out of bed and pee - that was the test I had to pass before I could leave. I needed S. to come to the bathroom with me because I was pretty wobbly on my legs. I got to take a look at my new package, and WOW! I could already see that it was pretty awesome :) Everything was bandaged up and swollen and ouchy, but at least it was MINE.
Shortly thereafter, S. pulled the car around and the nurse brought me out in a wheelchair. We sat in the car for a few minutes, and S. told me that I got a text from my supervisor at work while I was under, and told me to read my messages... Apparently the interviewer from a job I'd applied for/interviewed for earlier that week called my supervisor for a reference, then told her that she was going to offer me the job! I was so overwhelmed with joy, I started crying. (It was totally not the narcotics talking!) I got this surge of happiness - it just felt so incredible to have this life-changing surgery and get an (unofficial) job offer all in the same day! What good news all around.
We made it back to the hotel and I took a nap almost immediately. I skyped with my parents later that night, and they seemed relieved that I was OK.
I had simple meta with Dr. Bowers on Thursday, February 27, 2014 at San Mateo Surgery Center. I arrived at the surgery center at 8:30am, where a rude and short-tempered receptionist had me sign a bunch of forms that I already signed and questioned me about my insurance coverage. Luckily things got sorted out quickly, and a nurse brought me back to the pre-op/recovery area. It was a small room with three beds, separated by curtains. The nurse had me change into a gown, booties, and a hat. She started the IV and then I waited for maybe 30-45 minutes. Luckily they let my fiancee come back, so she kept me company and we took some silly pictures. Dr. Bowers and Dr. Nicole came by, and then the anesthesiologist (can't remember her name) came and asked me about drug allergies and told me what to expect. She explained that they will give a sedative via IV, pain meds, then propofol (general anesthesia). She also explained what to expect post-op in the recovery room- they would wake me up, ask about my pain, and give additional pain meds if needed.
I walked into the operating room and climbed onto the operating table. I remember the nurses strapping my arms down, and the anesthesiologist giving me the sedative. The last thing I remember is asking why there was only one stirrup for my legs. They explained that the other one was under the table. In my head I was thinking, "I hope you put both of those things up, you need a good view of my junk!" At this point I felt very comfortable and relaxed, and then I must have drifted off because the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and the nurse asked me to rate my pain - it was a 6 on a scale of 1-10. They gave me more pain meds via my IV. I was very aware of a throbbing pain between my legs and I had a sore throat from being intubated. At this point S. came back to the recovery room and apparently I was blinking a lot trying to keep my eyes open. It was SO hard to stay awake! But I knew from top surgery that they would want me to wake up and try to drink some water and communicate about my pain. I think it was about 30 minutes before I could get out of bed and pee - that was the test I had to pass before I could leave. I needed S. to come to the bathroom with me because I was pretty wobbly on my legs. I got to take a look at my new package, and WOW! I could already see that it was pretty awesome :) Everything was bandaged up and swollen and ouchy, but at least it was MINE.
Shortly thereafter, S. pulled the car around and the nurse brought me out in a wheelchair. We sat in the car for a few minutes, and S. told me that I got a text from my supervisor at work while I was under, and told me to read my messages... Apparently the interviewer from a job I'd applied for/interviewed for earlier that week called my supervisor for a reference, then told her that she was going to offer me the job! I was so overwhelmed with joy, I started crying. (It was totally not the narcotics talking!) I got this surge of happiness - it just felt so incredible to have this life-changing surgery and get an (unofficial) job offer all in the same day! What good news all around.
We made it back to the hotel and I took a nap almost immediately. I skyped with my parents later that night, and they seemed relieved that I was OK.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
(Less than) 12 hours 'til surgery! - Pre-op appointment updates + pre-op photos
Today I arrived in San Mateo with my partner, and we went to my pre-op appointment with Dr. Bowers. There were two doctors shadowing Dr. Bowers - apparently they are training under her. I was a bit surprised by this, but I'm all for educating others so I agreed to them being in the room for the talking part and the pantsless part.
Dr. Bowers started by asking me why I want simple metoidioplasty. I reminded her of our phone conversation a few months ago, when we discussed my desire to carry babies and how I don't want any surgery that will compromise that. She remembered our conversation, and reassured me again that she won't make the front hole any smaller. I also talked about wanting this surgery to alleviate dysphoria.
She bragged a bit about this surgery exceeding most of her patients' expectations; she's done about 150 simple meta surgeries over the years. She developed the technique and apparently her style for doing the surgery is unlike any other doctor. One thing I appreciated about Dr. Bowers' bedside manner is that she put me at ease by being personable and having a sense of humor. She also consistently referred to my junk as a "phallus," which is a much more accurate term than "clitoris." Sure, I used to have what would medically be called a clitoris, but testosterone has grown that little fucker into a 2-inch cock. God bless hormones!
The doctors left the room and I undressed - when they came back, I had 3 surgeons looking at my junk. It was quite the ego stroke to hear them say that I've had good growth on T, and that my results will be favorable. She described what they'll do while I'm under anesthesia tomorrow: release the clitoral chordee underneath my cock, cut and release the inner labia, and "bulk up" the freed penis by wrapping the inner labia around my penis (or T-enhanced clitoris). Basically I will have a small penis that is free from my body and higher up than it is now, getting rid of the inner labia that holds it in and down now.
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We also talked about my interest in potentially having urethral lengthening somewhere down the road after pregnancy. Dr. Bowers said that it will likely be possible to do this later on, but that they would have to open up my new dick from underneath and make a urethra. Apparently she is working with the Serbia team to advance new technology and make this a reality. Someday, I might consider it - right now, the complication rate with any lower surgery that involves messing with the urethra is just not worth the risk for me.
And now, a few pre-op photos for your viewing pleasure:
THESE IMAGES ARE MY PERSONAL PROPERTY. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS BLOG'S OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
Dr. Bowers started by asking me why I want simple metoidioplasty. I reminded her of our phone conversation a few months ago, when we discussed my desire to carry babies and how I don't want any surgery that will compromise that. She remembered our conversation, and reassured me again that she won't make the front hole any smaller. I also talked about wanting this surgery to alleviate dysphoria.
She bragged a bit about this surgery exceeding most of her patients' expectations; she's done about 150 simple meta surgeries over the years. She developed the technique and apparently her style for doing the surgery is unlike any other doctor. One thing I appreciated about Dr. Bowers' bedside manner is that she put me at ease by being personable and having a sense of humor. She also consistently referred to my junk as a "phallus," which is a much more accurate term than "clitoris." Sure, I used to have what would medically be called a clitoris, but testosterone has grown that little fucker into a 2-inch cock. God bless hormones!
The doctors left the room and I undressed - when they came back, I had 3 surgeons looking at my junk. It was quite the ego stroke to hear them say that I've had good growth on T, and that my results will be favorable. She described what they'll do while I'm under anesthesia tomorrow: release the clitoral chordee underneath my cock, cut and release the inner labia, and "bulk up" the freed penis by wrapping the inner labia around my penis (or T-enhanced clitoris). Basically I will have a small penis that is free from my body and higher up than it is now, getting rid of the inner labia that holds it in and down now.
And now, a few pre-op photos for your viewing pleasure:
THESE IMAGES ARE MY PERSONAL PROPERTY. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS BLOG'S OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, flaccid from front
Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, flaccid from side
Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, Erect!
Pre-op, 3.5 yrs. on T, erect from front
Pre-op, 3.5 years on T, flaccid while standing - about 2 inches long
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